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So Many Changes

Sorry it's been awhile, but things have been hectic, to say the least. A lot of good stuff happening... but it's also kinda scary.

First off, within the span of a week, I got my boyfriend a job at my company, helped him find an apartment (now he'll be only 10 minutes away, as opposed to 3 hours!), and finished up my own move. Sheesh! I'm pooped! But it's all good news and I'm very happy about it.

My BF has been bunking with me for the past week, as he can't move into the new place until this weekend, and it's been great having him around every day. We even drive in to work together. It's been amazing. And my kids love having him around, too. We tried to convince my brother to let him stay with us so he could save more money, but my brother wouldn't have that. He has his reasons, and it is his house, so I guess I shouldn't get bent out of shape, but boy would it have made life easier if he could have just stayed with us a year.

We plan on getting our own place together in a year, I can hang on until then. In the meantime, he lives so close, no more only weekend meetings! hehe Yay!

This whole thing has really got me thinking, and the other night we were just hanging out, doing nothing in particular. I had to open something, so I grabbed the multi-purpose tool I keep by my bedside. It also happened to be my tool of choice for SI. Complete with a hammer for bruising and various blades for cutting. Sigh. Anyway, he left the room for some reason or another and I just stared at it. He had no idea what my main use for it was. I picked it up and decided that I just didn't want it anymore.

My boyfriend came back into the room and I told him I wanted him to take it, that it was my tool of choice. It took him a moment to realize what I meant, but when he did, he told me he was touched, and proud of me. It was very sweet. But I got nervous and told him that I wasn't sure I was really ready. So he told me that he'd keep it, and should I discover that I'm really not ready and start to freak out, he'll give it back, no questions asked, no judgments made. That made me feel better. And so far, though sometimes it makes me sad to know I don't have it anymore, I haven't had the desire to ask for it back.

And I'm not stupid, I know that I can find other things to hurt myself with, but that tool, it was like my security blanket. The symbolism behind giving that to him... I'm ready to move past this, to stop being so self-destructive, and it's due in large part to him. I don't need to hurt myself anymore, because I have someone to lean on, to cry to, to hold me... someone I can trust to let me get it all out, no matter how crazy I sound, and still love me.

This is really the beginning for us, I think. On May 1st we'll have been together one year. We're ready to start our lives over. I'm trying to stay positive and look to the future. I think we're actually going to be ok. :-)

Thanks for listening.

Passed Test #1

Funny, I just did that post to strengthen my resolve, and was immediately tested. A co-worker just brought around a big box of chocolates for everyone to share. I turned it down... and it was easy! I just looked at all the chocolates, realized how much fat was in each, and it turned my stomach. I had no problem saying "no thankyou." Blech!

One point for me!

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It's War: Me v. Food

Sorry I freaked out like that yesterday. I've been having serious body issues and low self-esteem for the past week or so. Something happened to trigger that part of my brain that becomes a food Nazi. I haven't felt this way since I was 13, when I discovered that I could control what went into my body and no one could make me eat. No one could tell me what to eat. And the hunger pains... they were a sign of victory. If I'm hungry, I'm doing something right. I dropped 50 pounds in 3 months back then. Though that was too much weight for me to lose, I did keep it off until I got pregnant with my daghter.

Then, for some reason, even though I ended up being fatter than I had ever been, I wasn't able to trigger that war again. I fell into such a deep depression and food was my only comfort. I continued on like that, once in awhile going on this diet or that diet, trying to lose weight the "healthy" way. Sometimes I'd lose... sometimes I'd lose a lot. But I'd always gain it back.

The last time I lost a large amount of weight was about 2 years ago. I lost 30 pounds in less than 2 months, but it wasn't on any diet. I was depressed, angry, feeling sick to my stomach all the time, so I just didn't eat. Naturally, I lost weight. But still... there wasn't that trigger I had back in my teens. It was simply "I feel sick, so I'm not going to eat."

It's different now. I've found that trigger again, something I thought would never happen. And you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad it's back. Because dammit, it seems to be the only way that ever really worked for me. I never got sick and needed to be hospitalized. I never suffered any injuries from it. So what's the big deal?

I control what goes into my body. I control whether or not I'm going to eat. I'm hungry right now, didn't have dinner last night or anything this morning. But the hunger means it's working. I don't need to eat. I'll eat when I feel like it... and it ain't right now.

So maybe I'm going about this the wrong way, according to society and others. But it's MY way and it works for ME. I wasn't expecting anyone or anything to have the power to pull that trigger in me again, but I'm thankful for it now.

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Fat, Fat, FAT

Oy! So, I get a salad for lunch today, like I have been every day for the last week. I decided to go with ranch dressing, since the menu I ordered from didn't list balsamic as a choice (come to find out later they DO have it). It came with two packets. I put the first one on, wasn't much in it, so I mixed it around and then put the second one on. It was a big salad.

I start munching away, fill up about halfway through, then get the bright idea to check the nutritional content on the back of the packets. 28 grams of fat... EACH! Are you kidding me? And over 250 calories... EACH! I feel so sick. I know I didn't eat all of it, as I left half the salad, but still. I feel so sick. It completely negates the reason for having salad in the first place! I just want to run to the bathroom and throw it all up... but I know I can't. Can't resort to that again.

I'm just so determined to drop the weight... I NEED to.

Need to calm myself down... starting to get obsessed. No dinner tonight and an extra-long workout when I get home. Crap. This is after I allowed myself to have real food when I went out to dinner with my BF and his family Sunday night. I didn't eat all of it, but it definitely had a lot more fat and calories than I'm normally allowing myself. And I had a bunch of potato chips on Sunday, too. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just STICK to this?

I'm not fucking up again. Absolutely NO MORE than 1200 calories a day... and workout every morning and night. I have to do this. I can't fail this time... it will cost me everything.

Sorry, had to get it out. Had to reassure myself that I can beat this. I'm digging deep inside for all the strength and willpower I can muster.

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Vices (repeat from old LJ)

I'm trying not to tell myself I can never cut again, that will just cause me to panic. Even my therapist says that I shouldn't put that kind of pressure on myself. So, I'm taking it one day at a time. Like in AA/NA. And that got me thinking about my other vices, past and present.

Cigarettes - I've smoked since I was 14, always quitting here and there. But I've been a heavy smoker now for about 4 years, only able to quit once while I was pregnant, and started right back up as soon as my son was born. Seems to me that if I tried to give up this vice, there is no way I could handle all that's going on in my life, and I'm sure I'd be marked up much worse. So, maybe it's a crutch, but it's one I'm not ready to give up yet.

Food - I've had a love/hate relationship with food since I was a teen. I was chubby in middle school, but dropped a lot of weight before entering 8th grade, mainly to get the attention of the boy I liked. I stopped eating, and would make myself throw up if someone made me eat. I continued to be scrawny until I got pregnant with my first child. I gave birth about a month before I turned 18. I gained 60 pounds during that pregnancy, and didn't lose much at all after giving birth. I kept that weight on, and for some reason, I went to the opposite extreme. I was so depressed, I just kept eating. I ballooned even further until even family said that I had to do something about it. I went on Jenny Craig and lost almost all of it. But put it all back on and then some by the time I got married. Went to Weight Watchers and lost a lot, not all. Put most back on again. I lost 30 pounds before I got pregnant with my son. Then I gained 30 pounds during the pregnancy, but luckily, walked out of the hospital being only 6 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant. Then my marriage went to shit and a man I thought I loved turned my world upside down. I lost another 30 pounds. This time it was no diet, I was just too sick to eat, my stomach always in knots. Since then, I have gotten a better job, gotten separated, found someone who treats me so much better, my stomach isn't so sick all the time. Problem is, the weight has been creeping back up. Sometimes I go for days without eating, but then I cave and devour fast food for days. It does not even out... I gain weight. I don't want to be anorexic again, I just want to be able to control myself when I eat... and I just can't. It's either nothing or a mass of crap, and I know that ain't good. This is one vice that's going to be a bitch to get under control. (Edit: since I originally posted this, my issue with food has become a lot worse. I'm currently disgusted with myself and at war with food. I am more determined than ever to gain control... and for the last week, I've been succeeding.)

Drugs - I was addicted to coke and heroin. I did plenty else, but those were the two I HAD to have at all times. Funny, one brings you up, the other kicks you down. I went to rehab when I was 15, went through some awful withdrawals, and got clean... for awhile. I went back to it, and didn't kick it for good until I got pregnant with my first. I decided I could not be one of those junkie moms. I refused. I got cleaned up. Have been since.

*(Added since original post) Alcohol - I don't consider this one a problem. I don't drink every day. Hell, I don't drink all that often. But when I do, I have a hard time not overdoing it. I've done some stupid things while drunk, I've made myself extremely sick. I've gotten better over the years, but as recent as a little less than a year ago I gave myself a hell of a night. I use it to remind me to take it easy from now on. And I do take it easier... but I still get drunk when I'm drinking.

Looking at that list, I've only ever really kicked one vice, and it was my daughter that helped me with that. I don't know why I can't just use the same reason for ditching the others, but it just doesn't seem to work. Sigh. At any rate, the smoking, eating, and cutting... those are all things I can only deal with day to day. Thinking too far into the future scares me, and that will just cause more problems. So, right now, no, I am not ready to give up the smoking. I know I will one day, but today is not that day. Eating... well, that's tougher, because hell, we all have to eat. I can only deal with it as the hunger and temptation come. I hope I am prepared to make the right decisions. The cutting, well, luckily I don't get that urge every day. But I will deal with them as they come.

I don't know what the point of this entry is... maybe I'm just talking to myself out loud... psyching myself up... getting pumped. Whatever. But today, today I feel like I am capable of dealing with my vices. And that's all that counts.

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The Men in My Life (repeat from old LJ)

I've had many discussions with my therapist about relationships, past and present, and why I seem to always go for the same thing. Am I a glutton for punishment? How did it start? Will it ever stop? So, I'm making a list of every man from my life that has had some kind of profound effect on me.

Dad - When I was little, he'd come home from work and I'd run up to him, wrap myself around his leg or waist, and wouldn't let go. I used to be a very outgoing kid, would hug a stranger. I don't remember, but apparently my dad would shake me off, tired from a day at work, and though he wasn't cruel or nasty, he'd give me the, "Not right now, honey," line. Once I hit about 11, I stopped being so outgoing. In fact, I became withdrawn, didn't want people near me or touching me. I'm still like that sometimes. My dad blames himself, thinking he should have taken the time to scoop me up and give me attention at the moment I grabbed on to him. I think he's being too hard on himself.

Pop Pop - My grandfather on my mom's side was very close to me. He and my grandma (Nanny) lived right next door, so he took care of me a lot. I'm 5 years younger than my sister, and 4 years younger than my brother... so I was his baby. He died when I was six... cancer. I didn't understand that he was never coming back. My parents ended up sending me to a shrink. Around that time, I started to lie compulsively. I escaped into my own world. I'd lie about anything and everything. It made no sense. I wasn't able to get over that until well into my teens.

Joe - My neighbor's cousin. I was very close to my neighbors, two boys. Their mom was like my second mom. They were both younger than me, one by 4 years, the other by 5. But I spent my summers at that house, just a few houses down from me. They had an older cousin. When I was 10 or 11 (it's foggy) Joe was about 16. He loved to play with the little ones. He always made me nervous. Once, we were all playing, he lured me to the side of the house. The rest of the kids were playing in the back yard. He put his hands all over me, molested me. I panicked. I ran away, back home. I was in hysterics, all my mother could get out of me was that, "Joe kept hugging me and wouldn't let me go." I never told them all that happened. After that, Joe was still around, but not allowed to be around us alone. Still, he ended up molesting my younger neighbor, and when he was caught, it came out that he had been molesting both his sisters for years. They sent him to a mental hospital, but he got out when he was 25. I haven't seen him since they took him away.

JS - My first boyfriend. I've already told you all about him. He was verbally and mentally abusive. He hit me once. But mostly it was his cruelty that hurt me. We bumped into each other as adults, and he hurt me again more than I ever thought possible. But that's a long story for another post.

Chuck - The guy from Virginia. He raped me. I already went into that in another post.

T - When I was a freshman in high school, I dated him for 3 days. Though the relationship didn't last (he dumped me for another girl) my obsession with him lasted many years. I thought I loved him. I pined away for him. I dated, yes, but I loved no one like I did him. We're still friends, and he's been very good to me over the years, become more like a brother. I don't love him in a romantic sense anymore, but I spent years yearning for him to love me back. He didn't mistreat me as friends, he just didn't feel the same way I did.

J - I took his virginity. He was a grade younger than me. He said he loved me and I believed him. But after a few months, he dumped me. He told one of my friends, "You know when you eat the same cereal every morning and you get bored of it? That's what happened with her."

C - I was 16 when I met him. He was 20. I thought he was the coolest, most dangerous guy ever. I got the dangerous part right. We dated on and off for 3 years. During that time he cheated on me with countless girls (I'd say women, but he liked them young), smacked me around when he felt the need, choked me when I was really on his nerves, threw knives at me to keep me in line, and helped to keep me drugged up and constantly out of it. He went to jail when I was 17... and pregnant. I got away from him for awhile, but when he got out, I went back to him. It wasn't until I was 19 that I escaped for good. Of course it helped that he was constantly being tossed back into jail. He never gave me a dime of child support. He even stole from me when I was pregnant, he stole from a lot of his friends, and strangers alike.

M - I dated him briefly when C was in jail, and my baby was only about 5 months old. He told me loved me, loved my daughter. He left me for another woman, and heroin.

F - I had been friends with him since I was 16, we dated briefly during one of my breakups with C, but it was never serious. We got together again when I was 19, but that was all too brief as well, as he left me for his ex-girlfriend. We tried again when I was 21, this time it lasted 4 years (on and off) and it was anything but smooth. In the beginning he was constantly changing his mind, unsure if he wanted to be with me. He cheated on me. I broke up with him once, during that time I got together with the next guy on the list. But eventually I went back to him. We got married, and things were better. 5 years later we're getting a divorce. Suffice it to say, the marriage had more downs than ups. But there will be more posts on that, as the divorce won't be final until February.

L - I thought that he was going to help me get over F during one of our breakups. He turned out to be using me to get laid, and had no intentions of ever being anything more. Wounded, I went back to F.

The boss - This one occurred during a difficult time with F, before we were married and after L. He was my boss, and married. F and I were on another famous split. He took me out for dinner and drinks, and we ended up fucking back at the office. This happened once more before I called it off completely and went back to F. I still harbor terrible guilt for screwing a married man, he had children, too. I left that job, obviously.

P - While I was married, and during a not-so-great time, I befriended this one. He was wonderful, the male version of me. We talked on the phone for hours, and there was a mutual attraction. Nothing ever happened though, as unhappy as I was, I would never cheat on my husband. When it got to the point where he told me he was falling in love with me, I backed away. I wasn't ready to leave F at that point, I blew what could have been something great. I still see him on occassion, he got married, he's very happy. I am happy for him.

Jr. (his nickname, his initial is L as well, too confusing) - Was my boss. We became close friends, best friends. I was still married at the time, but knew I was going to leave. By the end of the marriage I had developed feelings for Jr. I told him. He did not feel the same way, he loved me as a friend. My husband and I separated, and that was when our friendship went downhill. I loved him, thought he was the perfect guy, and, like T, longed for him to feel the same way. He just didn't. He did, however, have a habit of always making me feel like I wasn't good enough, that I always made the wrong decisions. When he was angry, or didn't want to deal with me, he'd disappear. He wouldn't answer his phone or emails. Then, suddenly, he'd reappear like nothing happened. I was constantly feeling sick because of him, always afraid of pissing him off. I lost 30 pounds. Eventually he transferred to another state, I even helped him move. There was talk of me and the kids joining him, but then he pulled another disappearing act. I cut him off completely at one point, but he has resurfaced recently, will be moving back to the area. He'll call or email on occassion, and I have talked to him, but I don't love him anymore, and can't see us getting that friendship back. More recently I've been ignoring his emails and texts.

The boyfriend - We've been together almost 11 months now. In the beginning, he was everything I could ever want. Smart (wickedly so), funny, talented, patient, kind... he said all the right things. He's still all those things and I love him dearly. But now that the "honeymoon" phase is over, there are bumps. There always are, right? He can sometimes disappear, too. Not often, though, and he's not cruel to me, would never hurt me on purpose, and I know he loves me. But he has his own baggage he's trying to get through. Unfortunately, he lives quite a distance away. I'm hoping he'll be able to move closer soon, and that will solve the few issues we have, I think. But all in all, he's the healthiest relationship I've ever had, and I'm thankful every day he's in my life.

Wow... this list has gotten long. I have dated others, but none of them were of any significance. Mostly short relationships that ended in me being dumped... usually for another girl. So, now I have to read through this and look for a pattern. Of course, I only gave brief descriptions. So much more goes into every one of these guys. But I think this is a good start.

Sorry for the boring post, this one was more for me. Thanks for listening.

The Dreaded Post (repeat from old LJ)

I promised to be open here... to be completely honest. And I plan to be. Not just for those who happen to read this, but for me. The subject matter in today's post is most definitely a trigger for a lot of women, and probably the hardest thing for me to write about. What I am posting about today I have discussed with my therapist, and a handful of friends. I've never gone into graphic detail, with the exception of my therapist, so this will be the first time I am making these details known. I've had 15 years to deal with this. I am much better, much stronger, now than I was when I was 14, 18, 21, 25... I feel I am ready to do this. But be warned, I'm just letting this flow. I don't want to upset anyone, so please only click on the link if you know you can handle reading about a rape.

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My First Time (repeat from old LJ)

This little essay is about the first time I cut myself. I'm placing it behind an LJ Cut (and no, the irony isn't lost on me, there) just in case any readers aren't able to handle seeing something like this at the moment. So, you have been warned.

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Bring on the Posting

So, I went back to the old LJ and grabbed some of the more meaningful posts, the reason I started a private LJ in the first place. I can't post stuff like this on my public LJ, and this place will be worthless if I don't have them here. So, get ready for some repeats. Although, considering the circumstances, I've tweaked some of them a bit. Anything that may be a trigger will be put behind an LJ-cut with an appropriate warning. Sorry to be dumping a bunch of posts on you at once, but I think I've finally figured out a way to stop screwing up my journals. So hopefully this will be the last time. Thanks for sticking with me. I know I'm a royal pain.

Hello Once Again

Sigh. You may remember me as Soulscars, you may remember me as Love_Out_Me77... now I'm randomname1234 (I was sick of trying to come up with names that hadn't already been taken). I screwed up. I have a public LJ for my everyday life. I don't want the people in my every day life to know about my issue with SI. It would just make things so complicated. But I wanted to meet others like me, so I started a private LJ just to deal with my SI and all that goes with it. Unfortunately, I seem unable to stop mixing the two up and posting under the wrong account to people's comments. I think I've taken some steps to prevent this from happening again, so we shall see.

Last time this happened I copied all the posts from the old LJ and put them on the new one. I was so frustrated today, and unsure if I'd try again, that I just deleted the old one without saving anything. So I'm just going to start fresh. I could go back and redo the old one, since I have 30 days before it's completely gone... we'll see how I feel.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and annoyed, so that's enough for now.

What I did want to mention, is that last time around I met some people who are also members of IMVU. I was told by a few that it's a great site and I should sign up. I did. So if you're one of those folks, come look for me. I go by horrorkitten over there.

That's it for now. Thanks for your patience, and sorry for the inconvenience.